A Shaky Marriage-- An entry from one of my secret blogs:

As the Woman of the Family

This was the exact scenario when it happened..

I was 4 months pregnant with Anika, Allison was 4, Allson was 1.

I had the option to leave him before this. Because he has already made the circumstances in my life so painful to bear. But I didn't do that. Because I want this family to be intact. Despite everything.

There were times while he was crying in front of me, begging for forgiveness, I thought of how to tell him that I don't love him anymore, that I want to leave him then but I didn't want him hurt. I didn't tell him anything because the last thing I would want to do would be to hurt somebody.

At the time when the only issue was his inferiority complex, his uselessness, inutility and violence, I was still able to bear everything. As the woman of the family, I had to bear those to keep us intact. I made a promise to myself that I will never give up. But the mistress issue would be a different story. That's something unforgiveable.

I thought life was about to end and I mourned for quite a while.

But look at me now... I am so alive and have moved on this far! Life was a lot better since he left!

Life was less complicated. Life was more abundant.

When I live each day, I had to make twice the effort. I always had to make sure that I put the kids on top of everything. I had to make sure I meet what they need, and what they deserve. It's not easy being a single mom. The difficulty's aggravated by a thought saying "ey, i shouldnt be doing this alone ah" o kaya "i'm so stressed with making the ends meet, while you a**holes are enjoying?". Pero tama na kakaisip jan.

All the effort, all the hirap is reciprocated naman, in all fairness-- I always get twice the love and twice the blessings. All these started happening. Since the person left.

Red Wine for Wednesday!

Who's bringing home a bottle of wine this wed?

This was the original text:

When I lost my marriage last year, I thought it would be the end of the world and I wasted so much energy on mourning.

This year, I was in search of happiness in the form of a person who'd be dedicated to me, someone who'd be romantic and would make me feel special and beautiful. I wanted to be put upon a pedestal and be worshipped as the goddess I pretend to be. I wanted to know what it was like to be cherished, and experience things I've never had in my life.

Then I found a person who cared about me. And I knew him for more than a decade! When I am with this person, I'm at the top of the ferris wheel-- high above the chaos of life! We hide out in a secret solitude which insulates us, momentarily, from the real world and all its troubles. For the first time in my life, I found someone who wouldn't judge me for my weaknesses, someone who listens as I work out details, asks me questions to help flesh out plans, and helps me understand life, and love.  I was given the room where I can be just me. I felt something strong and deep, and my life was filled with joy, beyond anything I can write.

It dawned upon me... Isn't that the dynamics of what marriage was supposed to be? Why have I found this just now, in a place and situation where we both can't move forward?

Giddy giggles and twittering butterflies made me feel alive. I knew I was happy, but I feel the need to poison the situation, because I am aware that it isn't right. I was happy, but I am hurting somebody. If I am gaining this bliss to the expense of others, then it's wrong.

I knew I became a better person for opening my heart and life to another. For a very short time, I have probably escaped from the reality of my lost marriage. But I had to leave now. And I did. I have a relationship to fix now. I'll be even better if I choose to decide to be happy regardless of whatever life has for me, with or without a person that could fulfill my idea of such happiness. I shouldn't be pinning this to someone else and I shouldn't be compromising somebody else's happiness for mine.

I am making the right decision this time. So this Christmas, all I wish for is a Happy Heart-- for me and for the people around me. Now I've decided to be happy, and I will be.

Can you still spare me this wish, Santa? I was probably naughty, but I am striving to be nice.

Well, congrats dearie!

Xoxo,

A Child Care Facility, How About That??

I would love to be an at home mom to my 3 wonderful kids 24/7 without any complaints. But of course, being a single mom is tough. I had to work for us to live, which will make this ideal, very impossible. I'm just a little lucky that I can at least leave the kids with my 67-year old mom at night while I'm at work. I know how difficult it is for her to take care of these kiddoes while I'm away. But things would probably still work better if i had somebody to look after them while I'm at work, when mom's not around, or when the nanny stows away again. 

Like me, most of my friends and colleague moms do not have yayas to look after our children. Nannies have become increasingly difficult to find and sometimes when we do have one, we find it hard to trust them with our kids. There would also be instances when our nannies would have their own emergencies and we’re left with no choice but to call in and miss our shifts. I’m thinking… Parent employees like us need a back-up facility when there's nobody to attend to our kids. I wish my employer would have such facility in the office to accommodate this need.

The idea of having an amenity in GEMSPI like a next-door/ in-house child care center where working parents can deposit their children before their shifts, drop by them during breaks can boost productivity since we do not need to call in sick to attend to our kids and become more settled with the thought that our kids are just next door.





ABC & Me Childcare image credits: The New York Times


Since we do graveyard, odd shifts and non-standard hours, the need would probably be a night care center. Instead of the traditional day care center, the concept would be a child care center like that of ABC & Me Childcare.
GE can benefit from this as the idea projects reduced turnover, increased productivity and fewer unscheduled days off. Aside from GEMSPI's [already] promising benefits, this can be another edge for the company in hiring the best talents and can also encourage female employees to return to work after having children. It is a great benefit for us, female employees and (aside from SIP), will make it difficult for us to leave the company.:)

I hope the people behind GE Women's Network resonate with this. :)

07/13/11. One Good News

Today, we found out that we'll have another addition to the family:




While the four of us were in bed this afternoon, Allison asked me...

"Mommy, kelan uli magkakalaman yang tummy mo?"

"Why baby, you want another baby brother?"

"No, mommy, baby sister naman."

Allison's instincts....:))

We thank God for another upcoming blessing. We were afraid at first and thought that it was real unfair to Coocoo. I guess my little boy will understand.

In case you read this when you grow up, Allson (and Ate Allison), mommy wants you to know that I love you very very much! Your daddy loves you, too and you mean the whole world to us.

Love you babies!

Xoxo,

Mommy

Unappreciated and Unloved

Last Wednesday, I celebrated my 20th(lol! who am i kidding?!☺) birthday. My boss treated me and my bff Ginny to Northpark ATC. We got a big dish of birthday noodles, dumplings, some shrimps and brocolli. Thanks boss, for that fantabulous lunch!


Ginny made a greeting badoodle for me (which I have previously mentioned in my earlier entry). I super appraciate having good friends around.

Buti na lang I have good friends. They make me feel special and appreciated. Because... I can never expect my husband to be that way. As in never. He has never made me feel special. Never made me feel appreciated. Never made me feel loved. I just sometimes wish I don't exist. Or was it, I just sometimes wish HE did not exist? lol. I am still thankful we crossed each other's paths. Without him, I would not have had my two wonderful kids.

I don't know. Was he really born like that? I always ask myself about this. I always ask him, too. He would always tell me he's doing his best to make me feel I am loved and that he is not born cheezy and sweet so I really cannot expect my ideals from him.

Wtf! Why can't I feel a thing?

Honestly, I always magnified the smallest things he does just to make me feel like he really cares for me, and that he really loves me. Another wtf! Who am I kidding now?

Until now, I can't convince myself to believe him. I am the BIG LOSER here. Let's just laugh about that. I'll start appreciating the most wonderful thins in life...

Like these two little brats:

The ate picked a yellow bell bloom from our backyard, handed it to the little boy, then took a frosted cupcake and put a candle on top of it, then had her lola lit the candle. The kids greeted me a happy birthday as I open the gate when I came home from work last Thursday. Allison with the messy cupcake with a lighted candle on top, and Allson with an almost crushed yellow flower in his right hand. These kids were excited for their little surprise for mommy.

I realized then... I don't care about how unimportant I am to you. What matters here now is that, my kids love me and they will always make me feel loved, valued and appreciated. Behlat to you!

I Love Him More Each Day

I just think that that title is an understatement. 

Drich and I have been together for quite a while and are happy with our married life. We're blessed with two wonderful kids, Allison and Allson.  And there's nothing more I want. (Thank You, Papa God!)

On my way to work last night, I just thought of sharing this feeling.  I know Drich is not into reading blogs, etc. So it is safe for me to share this with you, sisses.

I just want the whole world to know that I love my husband so much!!! (Eeeeww... So in love? That's cheesy!)

Who would have thought that I will be marrying this boy (and I really mean, a boy) I met in a truck back in June 1999 on a drizzling afternoon?  That was the same boy I saw on the stage ramp modelling an all-white golfing outfit. Sabi ko pa sa katabi ko non while I was watching that fashion show, "cute yang batang yan, ano?". LOL And the same boy I always meet everywhere Ate Let and I would go during YFC conferences.

All the universe has conspired to bring us together and there was not doubt about that. I am just thankful. Very, very thankful. :)

We may not have the perfect life that our folks imagined us to have. But we are happy, and I just think that that's all that matters.  We have bouts and a lot of booboos almost always, but we make up for them.  We are not perfect, but we always know where to stand.  And that's what makes me even happier.

I just love you, Drich. I know you know and I want the whole world to know about that.