How was 2012?

And His Name is Luke.

Dear Online Diary,

Should I believe in the power of dreams? There are times when I feel like a dream was real. At some point, I was thinking that this could be possible. That these things I am seeing, are premonitions of my inherited mind.

Yea. I must be insane.

I am sure though, that all my sanity's intact.

But there are dreams so lucid. That makes me feel like that that was reality.

Over the past weeks, I am seeing this man in my dreams. He felt so real.

We were super friends in my dreams. It felt like he came in perfect timing. Gahd! I wish he's real. I need him now. I need a friend like him. Or maybe a brother. With all these things I'm going through, I need that comfort he gives me in my dreams. Basta, I just feel like that man's going to be part of my life.

Si God na ba itey? lol

I am very certain that that setting isn't in Manila. Probably it's in the South.  Cagayan or Davao or Cebu maybe. (Somewhere malinis. lol) Or maybe even outside Pinas. (As if I have plans of travelling outside the country! Duh!).

And I cannot see his face. My dreams were all full of emotions. You know how magulo some dreams are. Scenes shift from one setting to another. I find them difficult to describe.

I am not expecting him to be a lover. Maybe a friend, a very very good friend. Sige na nga. Pwede na ding lover. lol

Ang hirap naman kase I-explain. He makes me feel very loved and wanted but there are scenes in my dreams where it shows me his family. A wife and a kid.

(Kaloka. Ayoko naman maging third party, anebeh! I will never be a kabit. I have been a victim of this and I wouldn't want another woman, another family to go through the same hell I've gone through. )

I was on my way to work last night, and the thoughts about these dreams keep bugging me. And a name popped up. His name is Luke.

I know now. His name is Luke!

Luke, I have a lot to thank you for. Thank you for coming into my life, unexpectedly, but just in time. Thank you for helping me move on.

I will never have the chance to tell you these things. But I sincerely hope you'll feel my gratefulness for these random things I can mention--

>>> for listening when I try to work out details.

I appreciate it when you take time to listen and pay attention, while letting me speak.

>>> for almost always handing me a napkin when I cry. :D

>>> for not judging me for my weaknesses.

>>> for helping me understand life, and love.

>>> for giving me the room where I can be just me.

If you only knew... I get giddy giggles when you tell me I'm hot despite this chest and flabby arms. lol

Thank you

>>> for making me feel beautiful even when i'm in a skimpy pair of old jeans and sneakers.

>>> for always wishing me a good day.

I appreciate it when you ask how my kids are doing.

Thank you

>>> for the meaningful conversations.

>>> for your company, when I shirk from the bitterness of the real world.

>>> for sharing me things I never have experienced in my life.

>>> for the secret solitude.

>>> for finding time to meet me even on gloomy days or nights.

Thank you for reminding me my worth.

Thank you for believing that I am strong.

Years from now, I believe I'll come across this post again. That's why I wrote this online.

If I ever get a chance to meet you, Luke. I want to give you my tightest hug. Thank you for easing my pain. I don't know you yet. But maybe someday we'll meet.

Maybe someday. :)

Red Wine for Wednesday!

Who's bringing home a bottle of wine this wed?

This was the original text:

When I lost my marriage last year, I thought it would be the end of the world and I wasted so much energy on mourning.

This year, I was in search of happiness in the form of a person who'd be dedicated to me, someone who'd be romantic and would make me feel special and beautiful. I wanted to be put upon a pedestal and be worshipped as the goddess I pretend to be. I wanted to know what it was like to be cherished, and experience things I've never had in my life.

Then I found a person who cared about me. And I knew him for more than a decade! When I am with this person, I'm at the top of the ferris wheel-- high above the chaos of life! We hide out in a secret solitude which insulates us, momentarily, from the real world and all its troubles. For the first time in my life, I found someone who wouldn't judge me for my weaknesses, someone who listens as I work out details, asks me questions to help flesh out plans, and helps me understand life, and love.  I was given the room where I can be just me. I felt something strong and deep, and my life was filled with joy, beyond anything I can write.

It dawned upon me... Isn't that the dynamics of what marriage was supposed to be? Why have I found this just now, in a place and situation where we both can't move forward?

Giddy giggles and twittering butterflies made me feel alive. I knew I was happy, but I feel the need to poison the situation, because I am aware that it isn't right. I was happy, but I am hurting somebody. If I am gaining this bliss to the expense of others, then it's wrong.

I knew I became a better person for opening my heart and life to another. For a very short time, I have probably escaped from the reality of my lost marriage. But I had to leave now. And I did. I have a relationship to fix now. I'll be even better if I choose to decide to be happy regardless of whatever life has for me, with or without a person that could fulfill my idea of such happiness. I shouldn't be pinning this to someone else and I shouldn't be compromising somebody else's happiness for mine.

I am making the right decision this time. So this Christmas, all I wish for is a Happy Heart-- for me and for the people around me. Now I've decided to be happy, and I will be.

Can you still spare me this wish, Santa? I was probably naughty, but I am striving to be nice.

Well, congrats dearie!

Xoxo,